_ FANGIRL
4/10
OMG. I got written up at work today because I refused to stop wearing glitter eye makeup. They told me it wasn’t “cohesive with the professional image we are trying to project.” WTF? “We” aren’t trying to project anything. This is fucking LA, dude, home of swimming pools, billionaires, movie stars. If I want to wear glitter, I will. For you, babe. Always for you.
Later— These idiots keep coming by my desk and pointing to the framed picture of you I have next to the monitor and then asking if we’re dating. Do they live under a rock? They sure dress like they do. You’d hate them. Ok, so I know the framed one is a candid shot. You’re not on stage and you’re not wearing make-up or anything, but seriously, how many people—I mean real life people—are as beautiful as you are? How can they not know it’s you, even without the sparkles and the costumes? Do they not see the 100 other photos I have of you? I mean, seriously, you’re only the biggest rock star in the entire world. Idiots.
4/13
Got fired. Over glitter fucking eye makeup. I’m going to sue their asses off. It took me nearly an hour to get all my pix of you together. I’m going to put them with the other ones in my bedroom. Assholes.
Later—OMG, OMG, OMG!! I totally just used the corporate account to run a background check on you (using your real name, of course) and I found your address. You’re super close by! I always wanted to do that, but I was scared I’d get caught, but since they fired me, who gives a shit? Too bad for them that stupid hag in IT forgot to close my Citrix account. Ha! But OMG, I know where you live. I know where you live!!!!! You’re on tour right now, but still. I’m totally going to drive by. RIGHT NOW!
Later—House is beautiful. Your street is really classy, really quiet. I bet that all changes when you’re there, huh? *wink* Oh, and you totally came on the radio when I got in the car. It is totally a sign!!
4/14
Drove by 2x today. Your landscaping people were there. The yard looks great, at least what I could see from across the street.
4/15
Just parked by your house and walked around your neighborhood a little bit. Your neighbors seem nice, especially Sheila next door. She said you were an angel, just a really good neighbor. As if you’d be anything else! She should feel privileged to live next door to you! Her dog is super cute, too. Oh, and I might of told her I was one of your girlfriends. I hope you don’t mind. It’s not like it won’t be true one day!
06/28
Ok, ok, in order, in order! OMG, OMG, OMFG! So, yeah, it’s been a few weeks. Shelia, btw, is a total bitch. She kept asking me all these questions, sneaking up on me while I was asleep in the car. Today the bitch told me she was going to have me arrested! Can you believe that? She said I wasn’t your girlfriend at all, which I suppose is technically true, but it’s not like we won’t totally hit it off when we meet, which we WILL since I totally know where you live now. Anyway, she called me a STALKER! WTF? I told her she was a stalker! She’s the one always walking in front of your house at all hours of the day and night. Nobody’s dog needs to be walked THAT much. Stupid bitch. That’s when she said she was going to call the cops.
So later, I came back and I snuck into Shelia’s yard. I just wanted to check her out, you know, make sure she wasn’t stalking you. Did you know you can see straight into your living room from her back yard? I knew the bitch was watching you. You should get curtains. Anyway, since I was already there, and I already had my gloves on, I thought I’d go over and try your house. That big window off your laundry room was real easy to pry open, but then the stupid alarm went off. Don’t worry, I was long gone before the rent-a-cops got there. Still, I’m glad you have that alarm. Who knows what might happen while you’re away? I don’t trust that Shelia one bit.
I was there, though. I wish you weren’t in Europe right now. I bet London is nice this time of year. I’ll see you soon, though. Soon.
07???
I just killed Shelia. I totally didn’t mean to, but she didn’t leave me any choice!! I wasn’t even doing anything, just sleeping in the car and she came up and banged on the window again. Nearly gave me a heart attack. She was screaming about calling the cops, her stupid little yappy dog was going crazy. I totally panicked. I got my mace out (I keep one on my keychain in case of psychos) and sprayed her. Only once, but she totally freaked out. She came running at me with her arms all crazy, like she wanted to rip my face off. I didn’t know what to do. I got back in the car and was going to leave, I really was, I swear, but somehow, I ended up hitting her. That dumb bitch! She totally got right in front of my car! Then she tried to get back up, so I had to hit her a couple more times. I had to! Don’t worry, though, my car is barely hurt. Just a little dent. I thought I hit the dog, too, but then I saw him sniffing around her body when I drove away. I hope he had sense enough to go back home, but he was Shelia’s dog, so her stupid might have rubbed off.
I hope you understand. She would’ve told, and then we’d never meet. I know you wouldn’t want that.
Next day
Shit, shit, shit, SHIT. It’s all over the news. They keep bringing you up in all the broadcasts, saying there was a terrible crime in front of your house. No one saw anything, though, thank god. Still, I’m going to lay low for a while. I’ve got a couple credit cards that aren’t maxed out and that I’m not late on. Maybe I’ll get a job until you come back. I’m almost out of unemployment.
They keep saying how you’re in Europe and can’t be reached for comment. So far away. So far. But it won’t be long until we’re together. Maybe I’ll come over there? Yeah, maybe. Take care til then, babe. I love you!!
4/10
OMG. I got written up at work today because I refused to stop wearing glitter eye makeup. They told me it wasn’t “cohesive with the professional image we are trying to project.” WTF? “We” aren’t trying to project anything. This is fucking LA, dude, home of swimming pools, billionaires, movie stars. If I want to wear glitter, I will. For you, babe. Always for you.
Later— These idiots keep coming by my desk and pointing to the framed picture of you I have next to the monitor and then asking if we’re dating. Do they live under a rock? They sure dress like they do. You’d hate them. Ok, so I know the framed one is a candid shot. You’re not on stage and you’re not wearing make-up or anything, but seriously, how many people—I mean real life people—are as beautiful as you are? How can they not know it’s you, even without the sparkles and the costumes? Do they not see the 100 other photos I have of you? I mean, seriously, you’re only the biggest rock star in the entire world. Idiots.
4/13
Got fired. Over glitter fucking eye makeup. I’m going to sue their asses off. It took me nearly an hour to get all my pix of you together. I’m going to put them with the other ones in my bedroom. Assholes.
Later—OMG, OMG, OMG!! I totally just used the corporate account to run a background check on you (using your real name, of course) and I found your address. You’re super close by! I always wanted to do that, but I was scared I’d get caught, but since they fired me, who gives a shit? Too bad for them that stupid hag in IT forgot to close my Citrix account. Ha! But OMG, I know where you live. I know where you live!!!!! You’re on tour right now, but still. I’m totally going to drive by. RIGHT NOW!
Later—House is beautiful. Your street is really classy, really quiet. I bet that all changes when you’re there, huh? *wink* Oh, and you totally came on the radio when I got in the car. It is totally a sign!!
4/14
Drove by 2x today. Your landscaping people were there. The yard looks great, at least what I could see from across the street.
4/15
Just parked by your house and walked around your neighborhood a little bit. Your neighbors seem nice, especially Sheila next door. She said you were an angel, just a really good neighbor. As if you’d be anything else! She should feel privileged to live next door to you! Her dog is super cute, too. Oh, and I might of told her I was one of your girlfriends. I hope you don’t mind. It’s not like it won’t be true one day!
06/28
Ok, ok, in order, in order! OMG, OMG, OMFG! So, yeah, it’s been a few weeks. Shelia, btw, is a total bitch. She kept asking me all these questions, sneaking up on me while I was asleep in the car. Today the bitch told me she was going to have me arrested! Can you believe that? She said I wasn’t your girlfriend at all, which I suppose is technically true, but it’s not like we won’t totally hit it off when we meet, which we WILL since I totally know where you live now. Anyway, she called me a STALKER! WTF? I told her she was a stalker! She’s the one always walking in front of your house at all hours of the day and night. Nobody’s dog needs to be walked THAT much. Stupid bitch. That’s when she said she was going to call the cops.
So later, I came back and I snuck into Shelia’s yard. I just wanted to check her out, you know, make sure she wasn’t stalking you. Did you know you can see straight into your living room from her back yard? I knew the bitch was watching you. You should get curtains. Anyway, since I was already there, and I already had my gloves on, I thought I’d go over and try your house. That big window off your laundry room was real easy to pry open, but then the stupid alarm went off. Don’t worry, I was long gone before the rent-a-cops got there. Still, I’m glad you have that alarm. Who knows what might happen while you’re away? I don’t trust that Shelia one bit.
I was there, though. I wish you weren’t in Europe right now. I bet London is nice this time of year. I’ll see you soon, though. Soon.
07???
I just killed Shelia. I totally didn’t mean to, but she didn’t leave me any choice!! I wasn’t even doing anything, just sleeping in the car and she came up and banged on the window again. Nearly gave me a heart attack. She was screaming about calling the cops, her stupid little yappy dog was going crazy. I totally panicked. I got my mace out (I keep one on my keychain in case of psychos) and sprayed her. Only once, but she totally freaked out. She came running at me with her arms all crazy, like she wanted to rip my face off. I didn’t know what to do. I got back in the car and was going to leave, I really was, I swear, but somehow, I ended up hitting her. That dumb bitch! She totally got right in front of my car! Then she tried to get back up, so I had to hit her a couple more times. I had to! Don’t worry, though, my car is barely hurt. Just a little dent. I thought I hit the dog, too, but then I saw him sniffing around her body when I drove away. I hope he had sense enough to go back home, but he was Shelia’s dog, so her stupid might have rubbed off.
I hope you understand. She would’ve told, and then we’d never meet. I know you wouldn’t want that.
Next day
Shit, shit, shit, SHIT. It’s all over the news. They keep bringing you up in all the broadcasts, saying there was a terrible crime in front of your house. No one saw anything, though, thank god. Still, I’m going to lay low for a while. I’ve got a couple credit cards that aren’t maxed out and that I’m not late on. Maybe I’ll get a job until you come back. I’m almost out of unemployment.
They keep saying how you’re in Europe and can’t be reached for comment. So far away. So far. But it won’t be long until we’re together. Maybe I’ll come over there? Yeah, maybe. Take care til then, babe. I love you!!
